Subtitle: A Funny (and Slightly Itchy) Look at My Lifelong Battle with Nature’s Most Annoying Creature
Did you know those little bitty mosquitoes have killed more people in history than any other animal? Over one million a year for centuries! That number is just hard to wrap my head around. I’ve been fighting them for going on 66 years, and trust me… they’re still winning.
I’ve tried everything: store-bought sprays, homemade concoctions, YouTube hacks, even those fancy electronic gadgets that are supposed to “repel” them. (They don’t. I think mine just played mosquito music to attract more of them.) I’ve even sat in the smoke of the campfire — all that did was make me cough and scratch mosquito bites at the same time.
For some reason, I seem to attract every mosquito within a ten-mile radius. Dawn, on the other hand, never gets a single bite. Not one! I have several theories as to why that is… but let’s just say I enjoy living indoors and eating her home-cooked meals, so I’ll keep those thoughts to myself.
When I was a kid, I’d come in from playing outside covered in bites, looking like a case study for an allergy commercial. Mom or Dad would slather me in some awful-smelling mystery liquid that stained my skin and my reputation for days. Didn’t stop the itch one bit just made me smell like expired motor oil.
Then came my time in the Marines. You’d think the government would’ve found a way to fight mosquitoes by then, but nope the “Bug Juice” they gave us could strip paint off a tank and burn hotter than the surface of the sun. The good news? The other Marines in the tent didn’t get bit. The bad news? The mosquitoes saw me as an all-you-can-eat buffet. Oh, the sacrifices I made for my country.
Now, camping that’s a whole new battlefield. I have no idea how much money I’ve spent on products “guaranteed to stop mosquitoes.” If I had it all back, I could probably buy a brand-new Ford F-350 King Ranch dually… and still have money left over for bug spray that won’t work.
On the plus side, I never get poison ivy or oak. Dawn, on the other hand, can just look at the stuff and break out. So at least nature and I have reached a draw on one front.
So if anyone out there has a 100% guaranteed, foolproof, works-every-time mosquito repellent go ahead and send it my way. I promise to test it… and prove it wrong.
Happy camping, everyone — and remember, if you see me outside, you will not need to grab your bug spray. The swarm’s already on the way, to feast on me.
Leave a Reply